Imaginary light

“The shining bright light within fades away

Not even a small flicker left for a sign of hope

Only the darkness envelopes me completely

Feeling trapped within a terrible nightmare

The darkness hovers above me like a black cloud

Sucking the life out of me…”

This was something that came to me around two days ago. I was feeling rather low and feeling rather helpless. Whenever I start to feel depressed I always end up writing something like this. It is like something within just wants to pour itself out, maybe it is a way for me to deal with the situation.

I know that I suffer from frequent depression and you tend to know when I am feeling low when I seem to do my vanishing acts and not found anywhere until I find that I am ready to crawl out of my shell and ready to embrace the world once again. This is how it has been for eight years. This is how long I have been suffering with depression and like always I tend to beat its nasty butt all the time.

This time however it is getting a little harder. My routine tends to consist of reading positive affirmations to myself every morning, but this time I read it and I just don’t seem to believe much in it anymore, however it has helped me to smile and get out of hiding just yesterday. For that to happen I had to read those affirmations once in the morning and once before going to bed. Before once was enough.

I think the whole thing with work is just dragging me down. That locum pharmacist just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and she starts to complain and compare me to people I don’t even know, I try to hard to ignore what she says, but her bitter words always find a way to linger in my mind. Last Saturday, she basically categorised me into the lazy department with people from another pharmacy and I have never met them. I was thinking to myself, you have no right to say that about me, you don’t know me so how can you say that? You don’t even bother to come out onto the shop floor to see what I do since you’re to busy trying to please the manager by doing the work in dispensary? I just ended up ignoring her, but by the time home time arrived her words of calling me lazy, good for nothing just reappeared.

I basically began to start doubting myself and everything that I have done recently. I even started to doubt the novel I wrote in November thinking it was a complete waste of time, it is good for nothing. I haven’t written anything new on it this past week! I fear to touch it. I have been keeping to myself and not speaking to friends much; up until yesterday of course.

Me and my mum both think that it is for my best interest that I quit that job. A part me still wants to go there as I need the money to pay out for my mobile broadband, but the other side of me is just fed up, wants to move on and get better and start applying for better jobs. As always I am quite confused within myself with what I should do. If I leave this job, there might be a possibility that there are no jobs to apply for since jobs are lacking these days…

And now I am just going to stop right here. I had no where else to gather my thoughts, and since this is Diary of a Lost Girl where better to put it then here?

I’ve been thinking about my main character, Abhilasha, in hopes of reviving the story once again and this is her theme tune! I’m thinking if I listen to the soundtrack for the novel it might inspire me to start up again. I think it is slowly working its magic 🙂

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12 responses to “Imaginary light

  1. This was very heartening to read – I can only imagine how tough fighting depression can be. I recently read 7 habits of highly effective people – which has made me think about life very differently, you may like it. In terms of the decisions you need to make – it’s hard but ultimately do what makes you happy 😉

    • Hi Blinksofbliss!
      Yeah I kind of decided to quit and try get my confidence back up and start applying for a new job. Hopefully the new job will be much better than this place hehe.
      So what is 7 habits of highly effective people about?
      I’ve just started to read this book called The Magic, have you heard of it?

  2. Ah, my friend, I am sorry you are feeling down about your job and about your writing. Co-worker problems are probably the worst for making a job hard to do. I don’t want to give you advice, but I hope you resolve the problem, either by quitting or something else.
    However, as for writing, I would say just leave it a bit. It never hurts to let writing sit, especially novels. The good thing is, they’ll always be there, so there’s no time limit. I often leave rough drafts for a year or so before coming back to them. I gives perspective. Whatever you do, don’t throw it away. No rough draft is worthy of publication, but all rough drafts have potential. Don’t worry. 😉
    -David

    • Hi David!
      I have actually decided to quit, well job that is lol.
      As for writing, I think I am back on track. I’m working on other writing pieces for the blog, not giving the novel too much attention, working on it slowly instead hehe.

      Actually I read one of Sharmishtha’s stories yesterday and it kind of triggered it back up again, it was her write your own version of the story piece and I continued it hehe.

      Thank you for your kind words and support David 🙂

      Also I’ll remember the advice about writing, when I find it difficult that means I need to have a little break away from it 🙂

      Thanks once again! 🙂

  3. who is this psycho? your boss?

    people become so cruel and rude with power and bank balance!

    career world is full of sharks and skunks. keep your chin and head high girl. our prayers are with you.

    soon it will be over, but dont turn into a shark or skunk after climbing the ladders.

    • The psycho is a locum pharmacist for the Saturday shift as the manager doesn’t work on the weekend.
      I agree that money is the biggest form of power that makes people do anything.
      To be honest I’ve decided to resign and clearly I think I need to move on to greener pastures 🙂
      Oh I would never turn into a shark or skunk after climbing the ladders as I know how difficult things are for others too.

      • dont leave a job before getting another. experience. money really acts like poison on some people.

        there is one silver lining, you have to suffer this creature only once a week, right? you can never tell how your next boss will be like!

      • Hmm well at the moment I’m still there and I haven’t written my resignation yet. If I find that it just gets worse then I’ll only resign because my tolerance has run out. But I’m sticking it out for now 🙂

        She is the regular pharmacist, they will not be replacing her any time soon. The only time I’ll get a new pharmacist is when she goes away on holiday. Which is rare occurance hehe. I think this saturday might be when I’ll get to have some fun as she never works on christmas weekend.

      • I agree it is a bad mark on a resume if I left before finding another job. My mum is like saying that if I quit I should use that time to study in something to get better job prospect and it might bring up my confidence too. I can’t stay there, it is getting harder and harder to be with her. It is just affecting us both.
        We both are shouting and getting agitated by each other presence. So that is why I want to leave…can’t work in that environment anymore…

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