Song of the Day: Kiss of Life – Friendly Fires

Wow.

Can you actually believe 2013 is now saying bye-bye this quick? Seriously, it still feels like October or a few months remaining still. Maybe that’s just me? Anybody else think that 2013 has gone by very quickly?

2013 will forever be close to my heart even though it has had many ups and downs, I came out in flying colours! What I mean to say is a better and happier me, the girl who has transformed into a butterfly and stopped hiding from the world.

In 2013 I learned that I could care for someone and handle a big responsibility, I finally understood myself and what I want in life, I tackled my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence by going to a confidence building group, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. I have conquered some of my fears. I still have plenty more to face and that is what 2014 is for!

Enough about 2013.

To welcome 2014 I have the perfect tune!

Song: Kiss of Life

Artist: Friendly Fires

This is one of my favourite songs and it makes me want to dance and be care free and leave the negativity well behind!

Maybe I should ask the lead vocalist for some dance lessons, he’s got  moves! I just love how he dances like he doesn’t care.

So let’s dance ourselves into 2014!

To all my followers and Friends: Happy New Year and may it be the best year filled with love, joy, happiness and may your dreams come true!

A Better Place…

Yesterday, I sat at my laptop whilst filling out an application form for a voluntary position, and a rather interesting thought had occurred to me, how far have I come since last year?

I realized that I came very far! Let’s just say that 2012 was a bad year. The only good things that happened was my trip to India (there I felt alive, I was loved and didn’t feel alone and generally I was happy and content inside myself), creating this blog (by the way it will be 1 year on 19th June, I believe), and the few outings I had with friends. It was last year I saw the musical ‘War Horse’ on my friends birthday and he invited my mother to come along too. That was the only good stuff that happened.

The rest of the time had been spent feeling down and depressed because of my ex-job, how they treated me and said horrible things to me or behind my back. They stopped being nice to me after they found out that I was dyslexic. They started to assume I was dumb and stupid, they basically stopped my progression in the company.

I have to say that quitting that job was the best move I could have made! I feel happier within myself. The negativity is slowly working its way out of my system, (I mean it is still there, but it is silent, maybe it is waiting for the right time to grip hold of me again), but still I’m not thinking about that anymore.

Right now, I feel that I am ready to embrace the working world once more. Considering my confidence and self-esteem took a big collapse, I’ve decided that it is better to start at a voluntary position, gain the skills of a good worker and boost up my confidence and self-esteem once again.

So yesterday I spent most of my morning filling out the application. The only bits left to do is the references sections and in my employment section think of reasons for leaving my previous employment.

I have no idea what reason to put, I can’t say that I left because they were treating me badly, saying horrible and mean things about me and thinking I’m dumb and stupid because I am dyslexic, can I? So yes, it is something I need to think about. After that I just need to submit it and wish for the best!

One thing I have learned though, to not to mention my small weakness ever again.

I am in a better place, everything is turning back to beautiful colours again. My writing is improving (it is what I feel, only you, my readers can tell me how far I have improved or not :)) and generally I am feeling great! So here is to a good future ahead!

Stuck in the Middle!

Recently I’ve been giving a lot of my time in helping a friend for his project. I volunteered because I was looking to get some experience in writing professionally so that maybe one day I could try and do freelance writing. I also volunteered because I wanted too, and get a small portfolio together.

At first I was really enjoying it…but then the enthusiasm slowly began to fade. My mind is going stale and repeating everything over and over again. I’ve still got around eighteen more pages to write!

I think I’ve run out of steam and motivation.

In all of this I found that I didn’t get any time to do my creative writing as by the end of the day I’d feel so sleepy all I want to do is sleep! It is the creative writing that keeps me grounded and if I don’t do it, I start to feel stressed. This is what is happening now. Because writing stories is my escape I feel I haven’t managed to escape from reality and reality is catching up to me.

Also, now I have to help another friend with proofreading. It turns out I have too much on my plate and little time to do it in. I only have till 2pm to myself and most of it is taken by everything else except my stuff. Today I felt the pressure I was stuck in choosing what to do and I lost it and ended up having an outburst!

I love to help friends when I can and it seems like I love to keep giving and giving all the time. But why? Why can’t I never refuse once in a while?

In the end I decided I’m going to have a break and over the weekend I’m going to focus on my creative writing instead. The writing that makes me feel good and happy inside.

So if you ever wondered why I come on and vanish every time it’s because I’ve been busy with my friends project. For this I apologize for the on and off appearances that I make.

Hibernate Mode: On & Off

Recently you might have noticed that I might have dropped off the face of the world for the last few weeks. Well things have just started to get interesting/difficult/and seriously confusing.

Well let’s start from the beginning, since the new year came I decided that I’m no longer going to stick with things that no longer work for me; so in other words out with the old and in with the new. So since my job makes me feel so unhappy, I decided that I would resign. And I have resigned. I feel that if I didn’t take that step I would still be there, stuck there till the day I die, and never leave my comfort zone or become something good that I know is waiting for me.

So ever since then I have been sorting out my resume and starting it from scratch so it is all up-to-date. And I feel proud of myself as resigning is making me push myself for the better. I am starting to feel a lot happier on the inside.

I have been crazily looking into internships! And found a few places I want to try, if it will help to improve my future prospects, then why not?

At the same time, I have been focusing on my writing. My brother also paid for a 3 month subscription to the Writing Magazine (which was a big surprise for me as he got it for me as a Christmas present; and it was the best gift too!) so I get to read about everything related to writing!

The reason why this is also a rather confusing period is because I’m unable to control the way I feel and my emotions, my mind keeps going back to the past when things were so much better and I was better too, but somewhere I seemed to have lost myself and trying to resurrect my old self again. So it is a battle raging deep within me and I really want my mind to guide me for a change. I’ve listened to my heart too much and have gotten nothing out of it.

So this is the reason why I had vanished. And for that I do apologise! I’ll also be uploading chapter 3 of What is it? as well today! I’ll also catch up on the blog reading too 🙂

Imaginary light

“The shining bright light within fades away

Not even a small flicker left for a sign of hope

Only the darkness envelopes me completely

Feeling trapped within a terrible nightmare

The darkness hovers above me like a black cloud

Sucking the life out of me…”

This was something that came to me around two days ago. I was feeling rather low and feeling rather helpless. Whenever I start to feel depressed I always end up writing something like this. It is like something within just wants to pour itself out, maybe it is a way for me to deal with the situation.

I know that I suffer from frequent depression and you tend to know when I am feeling low when I seem to do my vanishing acts and not found anywhere until I find that I am ready to crawl out of my shell and ready to embrace the world once again. This is how it has been for eight years. This is how long I have been suffering with depression and like always I tend to beat its nasty butt all the time.

This time however it is getting a little harder. My routine tends to consist of reading positive affirmations to myself every morning, but this time I read it and I just don’t seem to believe much in it anymore, however it has helped me to smile and get out of hiding just yesterday. For that to happen I had to read those affirmations once in the morning and once before going to bed. Before once was enough.

I think the whole thing with work is just dragging me down. That locum pharmacist just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and she starts to complain and compare me to people I don’t even know, I try to hard to ignore what she says, but her bitter words always find a way to linger in my mind. Last Saturday, she basically categorised me into the lazy department with people from another pharmacy and I have never met them. I was thinking to myself, you have no right to say that about me, you don’t know me so how can you say that? You don’t even bother to come out onto the shop floor to see what I do since you’re to busy trying to please the manager by doing the work in dispensary? I just ended up ignoring her, but by the time home time arrived her words of calling me lazy, good for nothing just reappeared.

I basically began to start doubting myself and everything that I have done recently. I even started to doubt the novel I wrote in November thinking it was a complete waste of time, it is good for nothing. I haven’t written anything new on it this past week! I fear to touch it. I have been keeping to myself and not speaking to friends much; up until yesterday of course.

Me and my mum both think that it is for my best interest that I quit that job. A part me still wants to go there as I need the money to pay out for my mobile broadband, but the other side of me is just fed up, wants to move on and get better and start applying for better jobs. As always I am quite confused within myself with what I should do. If I leave this job, there might be a possibility that there are no jobs to apply for since jobs are lacking these days…

And now I am just going to stop right here. I had no where else to gather my thoughts, and since this is Diary of a Lost Girl where better to put it then here?

I’ve been thinking about my main character, Abhilasha, in hopes of reviving the story once again and this is her theme tune! I’m thinking if I listen to the soundtrack for the novel it might inspire me to start up again. I think it is slowly working its magic 🙂

A little flicker of hope

National Novel Writing Month

Only last week I decided to join the National Novel Writing Month, I thought I’d give it go and see if this is the big push I need to get myself going. I was really overwhelmed at first, but then I went onto the forums and sorted out all of my worries and now I am eagerly awaiting for 1st of November.

This is actually my first year attempting to do this, so anyone else done NaNoWriMo before? And what tips and advice would you give to someone like me who is a first timer?

The Other Stuff

This section is not related to National Novel Writing Month. This weekend at work I got really offended by the locum pharmacist I was working with. Last week she basically said I had no brains and that once someone says something to you try and remember it. It wasn’t my fault that I was stuck serving customers and by the time the queue calmed down I had forgotten what she told me to do. She ends up saying to me I have no common sense. This was last Saturday and I almost wanted to cry because she never listens to what I have to say before she starts having a go at me for silly things.

This Saturday she basically says to me that I’m not observant and I know nothing. She told me about this place that is looking for staff as he has two stores and needs the extra help. So I asked her where are the two shops so I can go there and see them by myself. She starts asking me if I know streets names and I’m so hesitant to answer as I only know places via a landmark, I am a visual person. And then she says I am not observant and I know nothing. I tried to tell her that I know from landmarks and buildings, but she would not have any of it.

Sometimes I wonder why am I still stuck in that workplace where I am not accepted much? Before she used to praise me and say that if my manager will allow me to progress I would be a valuable asset. Now, when they have crushed my confidence and blocked my progress she is basically started to treat me like crap. No-one listens to a single thing I had to say at staff meetings or in talking to me in general that I have started to stop talking to them. As every Saturday I seem to come home upset and completely crushed.

The only thing that has kept me grounded and not thinking about my current situation was planning my novel in October, with my friend, and now the National Novel Writing Month. It is a little flicker of hope, that not everything in life is bad.

A perfect gift idea refused :(

Today I was sitting at my laptop planning my story, and my gaze went to the TV, and saw that there were these kids who were playing music instruments; and my mum saw my curiosity.

She just came out and said, “Do you want to learn to play these types of instruments?”

And I told her, “Yes, but an acoustic guitar!”

She started to wonder how will I learn to play that. I told her there were many ways I can learn, either by paid tuition, learning from web, or if I bought from Argos store, then it provides a video to teach you how to play.

After a while, I just realized that I was getting my hopes up way too high. I mean my mum would go and gladly buy the guitar for me, but the problem is always me. Will I actually learn to play? Or will it sit in the corner and gain dust? But then a part of me thinks that I am a musical type of girl, and music always helps to keep me calm, maybe if I did get a guitar and actually practiced it can help to let my creativity flow through.

As a kid I had fun learning to play the keyboard, but then as an adult, since I have an issue with space, I got a folded keyboard/piano. I just gave up with that as sometimes the keys would not press down and make a sound. So why play if when you touch a key it does not make a sound; like it should? Every time I played a piece it did not sound right because the key would not make the sound 😦 it was just annoying!

Do you think I should reconsider and say to my mum that I want an acoustic guitar, and that I will practice properly?