A Better Place…

Yesterday, I sat at my laptop whilst filling out an application form for a voluntary position, and a rather interesting thought had occurred to me, how far have I come since last year?

I realized that I came very far! Let’s just say that 2012 was a bad year. The only good things that happened was my trip to India (there I felt alive, I was loved and didn’t feel alone and generally I was happy and content inside myself), creating this blog (by the way it will be 1 year on 19th June, I believe), and the few outings I had with friends. It was last year I saw the musical ‘War Horse’ on my friends birthday and he invited my mother to come along too. That was the only good stuff that happened.

The rest of the time had been spent feeling down and depressed because of my ex-job, how they treated me and said horrible things to me or behind my back. They stopped being nice to me after they found out that I was dyslexic. They started to assume I was dumb and stupid, they basically stopped my progression in the company.

I have to say that quitting that job was the best move I could have made! I feel happier within myself. The negativity is slowly working its way out of my system, (I mean it is still there, but it is silent, maybe it is waiting for the right time to grip hold of me again), but still I’m not thinking about that anymore.

Right now, I feel that I am ready to embrace the working world once more. Considering my confidence and self-esteem took a big collapse, I’ve decided that it is better to start at a voluntary position, gain the skills of a good worker and boost up my confidence and self-esteem once again.

So yesterday I spent most of my morning filling out the application. The only bits left to do is the references sections and in my employment section think of reasons for leaving my previous employment.

I have no idea what reason to put, I can’t say that I left because they were treating me badly, saying horrible and mean things about me and thinking I’m dumb and stupid because I am dyslexic, can I? So yes, it is something I need to think about. After that I just need to submit it and wish for the best!

One thing I have learned though, to not to mention my small weakness ever again.

I am in a better place, everything is turning back to beautiful colours again. My writing is improving (it is what I feel, only you, my readers can tell me how far I have improved or not :)) and generally I am feeling great! So here is to a good future ahead!

Imaginary light

“The shining bright light within fades away

Not even a small flicker left for a sign of hope

Only the darkness envelopes me completely

Feeling trapped within a terrible nightmare

The darkness hovers above me like a black cloud

Sucking the life out of me…”

This was something that came to me around two days ago. I was feeling rather low and feeling rather helpless. Whenever I start to feel depressed I always end up writing something like this. It is like something within just wants to pour itself out, maybe it is a way for me to deal with the situation.

I know that I suffer from frequent depression and you tend to know when I am feeling low when I seem to do my vanishing acts and not found anywhere until I find that I am ready to crawl out of my shell and ready to embrace the world once again. This is how it has been for eight years. This is how long I have been suffering with depression and like always I tend to beat its nasty butt all the time.

This time however it is getting a little harder. My routine tends to consist of reading positive affirmations to myself every morning, but this time I read it and I just don’t seem to believe much in it anymore, however it has helped me to smile and get out of hiding just yesterday. For that to happen I had to read those affirmations once in the morning and once before going to bed. Before once was enough.

I think the whole thing with work is just dragging me down. That locum pharmacist just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and she starts to complain and compare me to people I don’t even know, I try to hard to ignore what she says, but her bitter words always find a way to linger in my mind. Last Saturday, she basically categorised me into the lazy department with people from another pharmacy and I have never met them. I was thinking to myself, you have no right to say that about me, you don’t know me so how can you say that? You don’t even bother to come out onto the shop floor to see what I do since you’re to busy trying to please the manager by doing the work in dispensary? I just ended up ignoring her, but by the time home time arrived her words of calling me lazy, good for nothing just reappeared.

I basically began to start doubting myself and everything that I have done recently. I even started to doubt the novel I wrote in November thinking it was a complete waste of time, it is good for nothing. I haven’t written anything new on it this past week! I fear to touch it. I have been keeping to myself and not speaking to friends much; up until yesterday of course.

Me and my mum both think that it is for my best interest that I quit that job. A part me still wants to go there as I need the money to pay out for my mobile broadband, but the other side of me is just fed up, wants to move on and get better and start applying for better jobs. As always I am quite confused within myself with what I should do. If I leave this job, there might be a possibility that there are no jobs to apply for since jobs are lacking these days…

And now I am just going to stop right here. I had no where else to gather my thoughts, and since this is Diary of a Lost Girl where better to put it then here?

I’ve been thinking about my main character, Abhilasha, in hopes of reviving the story once again and this is her theme tune! I’m thinking if I listen to the soundtrack for the novel it might inspire me to start up again. I think it is slowly working its magic 🙂