Song of the Day: Understanding – Evanescence

Today’s song of the day is of course another song for the novel that I am currently writing.

Artist: Evanescence

Song: Understanding

This song is mostly for my main character Emma. The two years living as ghost, she doesn’t remember anything, how she died and who her family is; she wonders if anyone misses her.

“You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you’ve forgotten it.
That’s the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the imprint is always there.”

This quote from the song is definitely for her. Her main task in the story is to figure out what happened and how she ended up where she is now. Who caused her such terrible injustice and took everything from her.

Hope arises when she meets Joshua, he is the only one that can see her and interact with her whilst everyone else thinks he has lost his marbles. He makes it his mission to help her and they become pretty close friends.

The only thing she does remember is the love she felt for Aaron.

Inside the house, she is afraid of the sky blue door that doesn’t open, she becomes edgy whenever she sees it or stands in front of it. Her soul screams to run away. Joshua believes it might just hold all the answers they are looking for.

Emma however is too scared and decides that maybe being a ghost is much better. As you can see even though she has forgotten everything it is imprinted in her mind and is trying to come up to the surface, but she prefers to ignore it.  Joshua on the other hand doesn’t want her to ignore it, he wants her to find out as he believes this is her unfinished business and cannot move on to the other side.

Whatever she finds she won’t be alone, he will be by her side every step of the way…

Imaginary light

“The shining bright light within fades away

Not even a small flicker left for a sign of hope

Only the darkness envelopes me completely

Feeling trapped within a terrible nightmare

The darkness hovers above me like a black cloud

Sucking the life out of me…”

This was something that came to me around two days ago. I was feeling rather low and feeling rather helpless. Whenever I start to feel depressed I always end up writing something like this. It is like something within just wants to pour itself out, maybe it is a way for me to deal with the situation.

I know that I suffer from frequent depression and you tend to know when I am feeling low when I seem to do my vanishing acts and not found anywhere until I find that I am ready to crawl out of my shell and ready to embrace the world once again. This is how it has been for eight years. This is how long I have been suffering with depression and like always I tend to beat its nasty butt all the time.

This time however it is getting a little harder. My routine tends to consist of reading positive affirmations to myself every morning, but this time I read it and I just don’t seem to believe much in it anymore, however it has helped me to smile and get out of hiding just yesterday. For that to happen I had to read those affirmations once in the morning and once before going to bed. Before once was enough.

I think the whole thing with work is just dragging me down. That locum pharmacist just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and she starts to complain and compare me to people I don’t even know, I try to hard to ignore what she says, but her bitter words always find a way to linger in my mind. Last Saturday, she basically categorised me into the lazy department with people from another pharmacy and I have never met them. I was thinking to myself, you have no right to say that about me, you don’t know me so how can you say that? You don’t even bother to come out onto the shop floor to see what I do since you’re to busy trying to please the manager by doing the work in dispensary? I just ended up ignoring her, but by the time home time arrived her words of calling me lazy, good for nothing just reappeared.

I basically began to start doubting myself and everything that I have done recently. I even started to doubt the novel I wrote in November thinking it was a complete waste of time, it is good for nothing. I haven’t written anything new on it this past week! I fear to touch it. I have been keeping to myself and not speaking to friends much; up until yesterday of course.

Me and my mum both think that it is for my best interest that I quit that job. A part me still wants to go there as I need the money to pay out for my mobile broadband, but the other side of me is just fed up, wants to move on and get better and start applying for better jobs. As always I am quite confused within myself with what I should do. If I leave this job, there might be a possibility that there are no jobs to apply for since jobs are lacking these days…

And now I am just going to stop right here. I had no where else to gather my thoughts, and since this is Diary of a Lost Girl where better to put it then here?

I’ve been thinking about my main character, Abhilasha, in hopes of reviving the story once again and this is her theme tune! I’m thinking if I listen to the soundtrack for the novel it might inspire me to start up again. I think it is slowly working its magic 🙂

A little flicker of hope

National Novel Writing Month

Only last week I decided to join the National Novel Writing Month, I thought I’d give it go and see if this is the big push I need to get myself going. I was really overwhelmed at first, but then I went onto the forums and sorted out all of my worries and now I am eagerly awaiting for 1st of November.

This is actually my first year attempting to do this, so anyone else done NaNoWriMo before? And what tips and advice would you give to someone like me who is a first timer?

The Other Stuff

This section is not related to National Novel Writing Month. This weekend at work I got really offended by the locum pharmacist I was working with. Last week she basically said I had no brains and that once someone says something to you try and remember it. It wasn’t my fault that I was stuck serving customers and by the time the queue calmed down I had forgotten what she told me to do. She ends up saying to me I have no common sense. This was last Saturday and I almost wanted to cry because she never listens to what I have to say before she starts having a go at me for silly things.

This Saturday she basically says to me that I’m not observant and I know nothing. She told me about this place that is looking for staff as he has two stores and needs the extra help. So I asked her where are the two shops so I can go there and see them by myself. She starts asking me if I know streets names and I’m so hesitant to answer as I only know places via a landmark, I am a visual person. And then she says I am not observant and I know nothing. I tried to tell her that I know from landmarks and buildings, but she would not have any of it.

Sometimes I wonder why am I still stuck in that workplace where I am not accepted much? Before she used to praise me and say that if my manager will allow me to progress I would be a valuable asset. Now, when they have crushed my confidence and blocked my progress she is basically started to treat me like crap. No-one listens to a single thing I had to say at staff meetings or in talking to me in general that I have started to stop talking to them. As every Saturday I seem to come home upset and completely crushed.

The only thing that has kept me grounded and not thinking about my current situation was planning my novel in October, with my friend, and now the National Novel Writing Month. It is a little flicker of hope, that not everything in life is bad.

A New Direction

The last month I have been working on planning my novel. I have been doing this with a friend as we are both trying to motivate each other. When I think of idea’s/scenes/and characters they are very basic ideas with not much thought to extend it further. But when I hear instrumental music or classical music I find that these same idea’s/scenes/ and characters are actually more than just basic. I start to turn those basic ideas into small scenes and it is like watching a movie and those ideas are extended.

So the story I am writing is one that I had started writing a little over a year ago, but never completed as I ended up getting writer’s block. Last month this idea came and hit me again and decided I’m going to change it and take it into a different direction. Before it was a paranormal romance now I’m changing the direction towards friendship. I just feel that every time I try to write a paranormal romance I can never complete it, it is like a strange block. Yet I read the genre a lot. Well anyway the point is that I wanted to try something different.

The music that has been helping me the most is actually “The Dark Knight Rises” movie soundtrack, well to be honest one track which has helped considerably, “No Stone unturned”

Do you find that music helps when it comes to planning a novel or thinking of ideas?

The one thing I really like about Hans Zimmer and his music is that it truly captures you and takes you onto a journey.

This tune, especially during the last couple of days has really helped to fill in the blanks in my planning, and ordering everything around so the story makes sense. So I guess music is a big aid!

If you find that music is a big aid for you as well, what track really helps you? 🙂