“The shining bright light within fades away
Not even a small flicker left for a sign of hope
Only the darkness envelopes me completely
Feeling trapped within a terrible nightmare
The darkness hovers above me like a black cloud
Sucking the life out of me…”
This was something that came to me around two days ago. I was feeling rather low and feeling rather helpless. Whenever I start to feel depressed I always end up writing something like this. It is like something within just wants to pour itself out, maybe it is a way for me to deal with the situation.
I know that I suffer from frequent depression and you tend to know when I am feeling low when I seem to do my vanishing acts and not found anywhere until I find that I am ready to crawl out of my shell and ready to embrace the world once again. This is how it has been for eight years. This is how long I have been suffering with depression and like always I tend to beat its nasty butt all the time.
This time however it is getting a little harder. My routine tends to consist of reading positive affirmations to myself every morning, but this time I read it and I just don’t seem to believe much in it anymore, however it has helped me to smile and get out of hiding just yesterday. For that to happen I had to read those affirmations once in the morning and once before going to bed. Before once was enough.
I think the whole thing with work is just dragging me down. That locum pharmacist just doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut and she starts to complain and compare me to people I don’t even know, I try to hard to ignore what she says, but her bitter words always find a way to linger in my mind. Last Saturday, she basically categorised me into the lazy department with people from another pharmacy and I have never met them. I was thinking to myself, you have no right to say that about me, you don’t know me so how can you say that? You don’t even bother to come out onto the shop floor to see what I do since you’re to busy trying to please the manager by doing the work in dispensary? I just ended up ignoring her, but by the time home time arrived her words of calling me lazy, good for nothing just reappeared.
I basically began to start doubting myself and everything that I have done recently. I even started to doubt the novel I wrote in November thinking it was a complete waste of time, it is good for nothing. I haven’t written anything new on it this past week! I fear to touch it. I have been keeping to myself and not speaking to friends much; up until yesterday of course.
Me and my mum both think that it is for my best interest that I quit that job. A part me still wants to go there as I need the money to pay out for my mobile broadband, but the other side of me is just fed up, wants to move on and get better and start applying for better jobs. As always I am quite confused within myself with what I should do. If I leave this job, there might be a possibility that there are no jobs to apply for since jobs are lacking these days…
And now I am just going to stop right here. I had no where else to gather my thoughts, and since this is Diary of a Lost Girl where better to put it then here?
I’ve been thinking about my main character, Abhilasha, in hopes of reviving the story once again and this is her theme tune! I’m thinking if I listen to the soundtrack for the novel it might inspire me to start up again. I think it is slowly working its magic 🙂